MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

Ok so I have to get some unpleasantness out of the way first. I was accused by 3 different people of rigging this poll. It's just not true. I didn't even vote for it myself. I voted for The Adams Family. In fact I haven't talked to anyone that admited voting for it. I threw it in the poll becuase it was such a terrible movie and I thought people would get a chuckle out of seeing it mentioned.

Now I am the first to admit that it's a terrible film. But terrible films can be a treat. After my mission I spent several glorious months with my good friend J.B. Flinders becoming acquainted with the worst films ever made including Puma Man, The Destroyer, Scanners, every Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel and the entire V series (that was one glorious night!). These movies are terrible but that is what makes them so good.

However, a problem occured. I had no idea this movie would win so I never imagined how hard it would be to watch it. Up until this week it sat at the top of my Q with the words "Short Wait." Well last night that changed to "Very Long Wait." Fortunately while doing my latest Star Trek Podcast I asked my good friend Jon Madsen to bail me out and write this review. Netflix delivered the film to him weeks ago. Harumph!

So without further ado, here is Jon's uncut review of Masters of the Universe.

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with Masters of the Universe. I never saw it when it came out. All I knew at the time was that the bad guy in Rocky IV would be playing the good He-Man. That must've blown my mind and I never saw it (and also nobody would drive me to the theater). Later in life, a friend of mine would be so desperate to get a free iPod nano that he actually signed me up for a month of Blockbuster Online to get the points he needed. Little did I know that he also filled the queue with movies -- the first three of which were already coming in the mail. On the top of the list -- Masters of theUniverse (followed by Breakin' and Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo). So in a very funny, yet annoying way, I was forced to watch Masters of the Universe instead of any other movie that I may have wanted towatch.

How ironic then, that it's the same Blockbuster Online that suddenly has a scarcity of the same movie now.

Later in life I'm all set to enjoy Maverick as the movie of the month. It may not be the best movie, but at least it's a movie that I have not yet seen. Then, out of nowhere Masters of the Universe, my oldnemesis, rises to victory in the polls. Once again the movie thwarts me.

Perhaps it's more of a hate/hate relationship.

Okay, just kidding. It's not that bad. Anyway, this movie is based on the Mattel toys of Masters of the Universe. Apparently it's not based on the old tv cartoon, which is why He-Man never has a timid alter-ego named Adam who looks exactly like him. Also there's no annoying ghost thing named Orko. Instead, there's an annoying dwarf thing named Gwildor. That's all the justification that not basing the movie on the tv show gets, because some of the other changes made they simply have no excuse for (except for the obvious excuse that the studio only gave them a few bucks to pull the whole production together).

So the movie starts out in the familiar He-Man world of Eternia. The evil Skeletor has won! He's captured the sorceress and Castle Grayskull. BTW, am I the only one who thinks it's weird that Castle Grayskull ISN'T Skeletor's home castle? I mean, it's a big skull, right? Skeletor's also a skull (supposedly). He should be in the skullcastle, not the snake castle. Anyway, Skeletor and his army have also captured the majority of the Eternian forces (which apparently consists of four dudes in the desert who are being held at gunpoint). The rest of the Eternian forces (three people -- c'mon there were abunch of good toys they could've stuck in the movie -- like Mekaneck (see picture)) now regroup. They are Man-At-Arms (who we learn is actually named Duncan), his daughter Teela (who really seems to have nothing going for her) and our hero, He-Man (who wears a cape and NOTHING ELSE). Eventually they meet up with Gwildor (who is played by the cameraman in UHF), a dwarf that makes these weird keys where he can take them anywhere in the universe instantly. So they escape Skeletor's forces to... Earth.

Earth was never a part of the He-Man mythology. I'm pretty sure it was for this movie so that the director could literally film it in his backyard.

While on Earth, our heroes get separated from their warp key. It'spicked up by Courtney Cox and her boyfriend. Courtney Cox's parents just died so she's leaving for New Jersey TOMORROW. She's not waiting one more week for school to finish, she's leaving THE NEXT DAY. Her boyfriend thinks the key is some sort of Japanese synthesizer. Skeletor wants He-Man killed and to get the key so he uses his own key (I think) to send his greatest warriors to Earth. Beast-Man is one of them and the three others are three guys who weren't in the cartoon OR were ever toys. One is a normal human with an eye patch (always classic), one is a melted troll doll, and the other one is a stinky lizard. That's right, they didn't bother to put in Trap-Jaw or Mer-Man or Tri-Clops or even Stinkor (see picture).

Anyway, the good guys make friends with the earthlings and they all fight off the bad guys. The bad guys go back to Eternia and Skeletor kills the stinky lizard. Then he sends Evil-Lyn to "finish the job." She does a pretty good job. She dresses up like Courtney Cox's dead mom and just asks for the key nicely. After that the bad guys capture He-Man. Soon Skeletor himself comes through the dimensional door to Earth. Oh no! Skeletor is going to use his advanced technology to bring the entire war to Earth! He'll take all our natural resources and claim Earth as part of his own domain! Actually... no. He just comes, picks up the key and He-Man and goes back to Eternia. No worries.

Fortunately, Cox's boy friend is a musician and he knows the right tones to open a portal back to Eternia. Our heroes (aided by Principal Strickland of Back to the Future) barge in and free He-Man in time for him to have the climactic battle with Skeletor. Then the earthlings go back to earth. But they don't JUST go back. Courtney Cox asks if Gwildor can send them back in time to before her parents died. He does. They go back a week earlier. I wonder why they weren't using the time travel capabilities of the key the entire movie. Weird.

So in between all this stuff is a bit of fun. Like when He-Man is fighting the guys who fly on trash can lids. Also they fight with guns AND swords. I suppose it's not that weird. We did it in the Civil War. But it just seems that any civilization that masters interdimensional galactic travel would also find the idea of using swords as positively quaint.

I imagine the woman who plays Teela got the part because despite allher deficiencies she probably claimed that she could shoot a gun well.She lied.

I read on imdb that Dolph Lundgren did all his own stunts. A more accurate way of saying that would probably be that the stunt man for this movie also spoke while on camera.

So I can't say the movie was especially good, but it certainly wasn't boring. Often that's even more important. Some cheese, like this, really works. It sort of reminds me of Flash Gordon a little. Of course I think this one was trying to be a little more serious. It only sort of reminds me. Flash Gordon is hallowed ground. I guess it'snot really hate/hate.

Thank you Jon. That brings us to the best month of the year! Please submit your favorite Scary/Halloween movie. I'm going with IT (Gotta love Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown!).

Frockly T-Shirt Giveaway

I just want a free Harvey Unga shirt

Frockly T-Shirt Giveaway

He-Man Goodness!

Here's some clips to get you pumped for The Masters of the Universe!

Stairway to Heaven (AKA The Haiku Stairs)

Today I went on one of the most difficult and amazing hikes of my life. The Stairway to Heaven hike is on the Windward side of Oahu. It is called the Stairway to Heaven for 2 reasons: 1 - It is over 3000 steps bolted into the side of a cliff - at times the incline is so steep it's like climbing a ladder, 2 - The mountain peak is often shrouded in clouds. This hike was murder on my legs. I don't expect to be able to walk much tomorrow. It was essentially 90 minutes of walking up stairs at about a 70 deg angle. Also, the view from the top is heavenly indeed. When any of you visit and would like to do this amazing hike, please tell me and we'll make it happen. I hope you enjoy my slideshow above and the dulcet tones of Big Iz singing what I consider Hawaii's state song. Notice the picture with the circular rainbow. That was awesome.

Sabrina Fair

Sabrina was Audrey Hepburn's second major American film and one of my favorites. Great story, great cast (Bogie and Holden) and great Audrey. So let's get to it.

Sabrina is the daughter of a chauffeur for the wealthy Larrabee family who lives on Long Island. All her life Sabrina has watched the elegant parties hosted by the Larrabee's and always dreamed of being a part of that life. Furthermore she has always been in love with David Larrabee (William Holden), the youngest of the Larrabee sons. Sabrina goes off to Paris to a famous cooking school. There she gains confidence and a new sense of style and fashion.  In the meantime, David Larrabee has become engaged to the daughter of a businessman whom Linus Larrabee (Humphrey Bogart) hopes to make a major business deal with. When Sabrina returns to Long Island she is so transformed that David initially doesn't recognize her. He is immediately taken with her and it is clear that she has not forgotten him either. David invites her to one of the famous Larrabee parties. His in-laws-to-be freak out when they see David dancing with the beautiful and elegant Sabrina. Linus, in order to save the business deal, sets off to woo Sabrina himself, with the idea that he will trick her to return to Paris. It backfires when he falls in love with Sabrina too. David realizes that this is another one of his infatuations and sees that David really loves her. In the end the right guy ends up with the right girl.

Wow long plot summary. I'll have to work on that. Anyway, this is a great Audrey movie. She is very young in this film and so it's not her most polished acting but she can't help but shine. What I love about this version vs the Harrison Ford remake (which I also enjoy) is that Sabrina comes back from Paris truly changed and supremely confident of herself. In the remake Sabrina is wiser and prettier but still so insecure. It just feels like all Julia Ormond did in Paris is cut her hair (which she says at the end of the film). 

Also, gotta love the supporting cast. Bogie's acting feels a bit stiff at times and he is painfully older than Audrey, but a strained acting job by Bogie is better than most other actors' best. Also, never really like Holden (although he's great in Born Yesterday), so it works in this film that he's the guy you don't root for. Oddly enough, Holden and Hepburn struck up a real life romance during this film. Go figure.

So I enjoy this film. Not enjoyed because Val and I continue to watch it every now and then. Speaking of which Val's choice (she picked Sabrina) for the September category is: Movies adapted from Television series. Valerie has chosen Mission: Impossible and I am putting forth The Fugitive. So let me know what you thought of Sabrina and give me a movie for September.

*Note: Whoever picks the winning movie for September will choose the movie category for November. I'm sorry but I reserve the right to pick the category for my favorite month (October) of the year.

The Magnificent Seven

One fine day, Yul Brynner is in a movie theater watching The Seven Samurai, Akira Kurosawa's epic classic. He is so blown away that he immediately decides that it must be adapted for Hollywood and western audiences. This is how the Magnificent Seven was born. Once word got out that the movie was being made, Hollywood's biggest clamored for the roles. Actors cast include Charles Bronson (He cleans house!), James Coburn, Robert Vaun and Eli Wallach (also in the Good the Bad and the Ugly). Steve McQueen was originally unable to be in the film because he was working on something else. So he crashed a car and while "recuperating" he shot the Seven.

Anyway on to the film. This movie is about a Mexican village where the farmers are terrorized by local bandit Calvera (Wallach). He rides in with his gang and takes whatever he wants leaving the villagers just enough to live. Now if you saw this movie (Jake Willis is a stubborn jerk face), you will note that Calvera looks EXACTLY like El Guapo from the Three Amigos. Just a note.

So the villagers decide they are fed up with the situation and go to buy guns. They meet Chris Adams (Brynner) who convinces them it would be cheaper and more effective to buy gunmen. So he recruits 6 other guys and they go to protect the village. The first time Calvera comes he is driven off. But the victory is short lived. Some of the villagers have a weak stomach and their fear persuades them to turn on their seven protectors. Calvera drives them away, but like the good men the west was just full of, they return and drive off the bandits, killing Calvera in the process, though all but 3 of them die in the process. 

So I enjoy this film very much. Great actors, great story, lots of action. And it is a more accessible version of the Seven Samurai, which, while brilliant, is a long and deliberate film. Favorite line: 

Calvera: What I don't understand is why a man like you took the job in the first place, hmm?

Vin: It's like a fellow I once knew in El Paso. One day, he just took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. I asked him the same question, "Why?"

Calvera: And?

Vin: He said, "It seemed to be a good idea at the time."

Some fun things about this movie. Although it is a western, three of the gunmen aren't "Western." Brynner was born in Russia, Bronson is Lithuanian and Horst is German. I think Bronson pulls it off best. Brynner's accent is just too strong and Horst is so freaking German that he can't move without it being really obvious. 

Steve McQueen was constantly trying to upstage Brynner during the film. Any scene that includes the two of them will usually find McQueen playing with his hat, or make some kind of distracting action or gesture. Apparently it drove Brynner crazy.

Bronson's character Bernado, in my opinion, is the inspiration for Dusty Bottoms. He has kids following him around and asking about what they can do for him when he dies. I was hoping he would ask if there was anything else to eat besides Mexican food.

Anyway, good movie. So tell me what you think. Also, the August Movie of the Month Category (via Steve Snow Jr.) is Audrey Hepburn Movies. I am way excited. I have to admit I'm semi-obsessed with Audrey Hepburn. I consider her to be the Queen of Hollywood. If I have another daughter, probably gonna slip the name Audrey in there somewhere. Seriously if you have never watched one of her films then I am really excited for you. So I'm suggesting the film Wait Until Dark. Actually pretty scary with an evil Alan Arkin and Colonel Trautman. Let me know what Audrey Hepburn film you want to see and I'll have the poll up on August 1st.

Heath Ledger's The Dark Knight

Oh my freaking gadget that was so good! Go! Right now! Steal a car and go right now!

So last night I went to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight. I rarely do this. But the reviews were so good and I've been waiting so long that I couldn't bear the thought of this movie showing and me not seeing it yet. However, I couldn't get anyone to go with me (people tell me that they work Friday morning) so I went alone. I hope Jon appreciates that.

So everyone knows the plot. I won't rehash. And no spoilers here. So let me just say that Heath Ledger steals the show. This is HIS movie. He is amazing. Absolutely amazing! There's lots of little details like constantly sucking on the inside of his cheeks, or reinventing the story of how he got his scars to his absolute giddy delight he experiences at anyones pain including his own. Brilliant. He should at least get an oscar nomination. Fine jobs by Eckart, Bale and the supporting cast as well. I just re-read that. It really does feel as though everything else in the film plays a supporting role to Ledger's Joker. Again, amazing.

Plot is well written. All about crossing lines and trying to fight crime in a corrupt world. The way the Joker sets up Harvey Dent in the last portion of the film was a wonderful surprise. 

Quick notes:

There is a major character that dies and I'm pleased that I guessed it right.

There is a major character that does NOT die. That surprised me.

I am still bothered by the Batman voice that Bale does. What can you do?

The movie did not end at all how I expected it to as far as setting up a third film. But I am pleased because I didn't like the prospect of what I thought the third film would be. Wish I could be specific. See the movie and we'll talk! 

The movie is very dark but there is plenty of humor in it to keep things from turning into a bleak abyss of a film. Still no kiddies. Not as intense as I thought, most of the really gruesome stuff occurs off camera and the first really gory act of violence by the Joker happens so fast that you don't really see it. But it got a huge reaction from my audience. I think maybe my oldest could handle it. I'll have to take Val first see what she says. By the way, Dad if you read this, you should know that you are going to hate this film. 

My one tiny complaint. It is a long film and at one point I sort of felt how long it was. Could be just because it was very late and I was very tired. But it IS 2 1/2 hours.

Will I see it again tonight at a more sane hour? Probably. By which I mean yes.